Not The Parent They Have, but the Parent They Need!

Mohammad Abdullah Janjua
8 min readApr 16, 2022
Photo by Kat J on Unsplash

“No, do it that way”


“Because I said so”

Influence begins with the answer to the question above “Why”, but with the answer that has been mentioned, control is what they get over them. This small set of conversations might be familiar to you, I am sure, even though I realize you might be just an undergrown teenager, a blue- or white-collar employee, or a grown-up teenager presuming life as a struggle, or you might be the boss, even the C.E.O.

The conversation above does not have specifics to whom it comes, we’ve all had gone through these words at a certain point of life, once, or more than once. However, this is the ultimate phenomenon in the world. Talking about influence, begins ahead of this conversation, but most people in the world do not take it far there, it ends with “Because I said so” or with a similar phrase.

Parents, when asked “How, is it like bringing up your children” in answer, their eyebrows get raised, and “huh, it’s too hard and tiring”. Almost every parent has done it, little do they realize it was much harder to process them before they emerged in their bellies. Now, if bringing up is tiring, making them is also a tiring part of the day. The reality behind this is every person has the urge to do what they want to do. Where they feel good, they don’t feel tired.

What do Children Always Want from Their Parents in This Era?

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The good part is that you have around 18 years until they ask for a Nissan GT, till then they require numerous things, cheaper but valuable, and the nature of their demands takes a shift with their age and perspective. However, it is that early stage which creates a big difference, because as soon as they grow reasonably old to assess things by themselves, or they learn to make decisions, and not take so long to know their decision could be taken without their parents.

That period of the early self-driving stage pushes their left behind learnings to come into action. The human brain is highly adaptable, and it stores memories and learnings, even if we don’t remember them, the Basal Ganglia (a part of the deepest brain) still has all the data stored. Which comes in handy according to the situation your child is dealing with. However, there are certain things they want without an exception;

· Fondness- Studies have shown, that parents narrating bedtime stories frequently to their children, tend to bring up much more intelligent and elder sensitive children. That means it enhances the bond and generates affection amongst them.

However, the context of stories also teaches them lessons, chose the story wisely. However, a reasonable amount of affection is achieved with numerous other rituals combined as well. Such as polite communication, moments of joy, etc. But, if that is hard for you at the moment, start with a bedtime story or conversation, it will work wonders as a keystone habit, and further, give birth to more rituals and habits automatically.

· Having either parent alone-

“If you want the other party to lower their guard and suppress their views, stand in the majority”- M.A Janjua

In most cases, when a team of two stands in front of one, even if the situation is decent, dominancy strikes and takes impact, your child would want you to spend some time alone turn by turn at times.

It will generate a bond, a sense of being trusted, and the most beautiful, a room for a distinct friendship emotion.

· Don’t be a father, be a dad

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Read that again!! A human brain primarily has a function to assess expected threats and act with psychological and physiological responses, however, one of the things it doesn’t primarily have is examining positive outcomes itself.

So, if you want your son/daughter to learn swimming, at very first, don’t hand them a ‘To-do book’ with a dolphin kick tutorial and alert them from going deep. Instead, pick them up high, throw them into the water (reasonable depth) and laugh your blown belly out.

It’s more important for them to learn to find joy in activities rather than stacking safety precautions right away in their heads (it’s necessary to have safety precautions, however, the first experience always builds an undeniable impression, that could lead them to fear that activity and hustle to improve)

For the safety precautions, I already told you the human brain has a trigger to sense possible threats in such situations and it acts accordingly with physiological and psychological responses. If you Don’t believe me, just dive in with the child, and grab him/her in the deep section of the pool, then leave their hand, and watch how the tiny brain senses in a matter of unobservable seconds and attempts to respond physiologically.

The point is not to keep them uneducated about such threats, the point is to get them well-educated about how the limits can be joyful and too exciting as well.

How to Deal with Children According to Cognitive Psychology

What you are dealing with is neglecting what is meant to be dealt with -M.A Janjua

An authentic research journal by Karen Brans and Philippe Verduyn has suggested human beings have a few basic emotions, or these emotions might compile almost every emotion in themselves, and to every emotion, there is an appraisal, that defines the reason behind that triggered emotion. Furthermore, for every appraisal, there is a regulation strategy, which means, the response of that human brain to that particular emotional episode.

The outcome of every response varies according to which emotion it was applied to, given the appraisal as well. Now the mistake every person makes is to focus on the emotions, even though they don’t matter at all, those emotions couldn’t be controlled, these emotions are the outcome of the emotion eliciting event, and an outcome of the appraisal (discussed soon) however, out of these three, appraisals are the most crucial thing to deal with specific to this case. Let us understand the emotions and appraisals first;


1. Anger-

2. Sadness

3. Fear

4. Shame

5. Guilt

6. Disgust


1. Importance

2. Other responsibility

3. Own responsibility

4. Problem coping

5. Expectedness

6. Injustice

7. Disadvantageousness

The emotions that have been mentioned above are observable by any human being. You witness some of these emotions almost every day on the faces around.

Let’s draw a situation in your head. You are sitting at your chair at work and witness a colleague standing in a closed transparent cabin. You can seethe boss on the chair talking to her and there are expressions of shame you can observe on your colleague's face.

The fact that such emotions are always visible doesn't compile the whole story.

If you walk to her and communicate in a good manner, only then you will get to know the Appraisal. She might be experiencing Injustice, Disadvantageousness, or any other Appraisal that led to the ‘shame’ emotion rising.

This changes the whole story, especially the way you will deal with her after watching a close person going through a disturbing episode.

So Always pay attention to the children’s emotion appraisals, because emotions are always transparent and visible, and what’s hidden is more crucial to find. The mistake parents make the most, is paying attention to the emotion directly, and not being able to judge the appraisal.

Now, the appraisal is not about asking ‘what happened to my bobo’, your bobo would never tell ‘I had been a victim of injustice’ or ‘Nobody gives me importance’.

Instead, your child will draw you a map of events such as ‘The students in the classroom didn’t ask me to play football’ or ‘My teacher didn’t let me answer the question when I raised first’. If you continue to observe it will be obvious that the child is Sad (emotion), but you didn't communicate well to understand the actual Appraisal that is affecting him/her.

Let us assume you did well and now you know. In this case, the Appraisal might be Injustice or Importance. It creates a better thought process and target solution for you. Now that you are well known for the Appraisal, you will get a push to treat the real problem from its root and educate your child in a good manner.

What happens when parents don’t pay attention to children

If you don’t respond with your Wisdom, They will! And that is even worse. -M.A Janjua

Parents need to dive deeper into their children, to find out the appraisals (the reason for their emotional episode), What they feel and what they explain are different. The phenomena of human beings have understood that no human being wants to share the hard truth, it affects their modesty, however, human beings tend to explain the events and leave the other person to judge the appraisal by itself.

Why You Should Immediately Pay Attention To the Child’s Hidden Real Feelings?

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Earlier we discussed how human beings won’t share the actual appraisal of their negative emotions, but sometimes share the events that caused them. However, it is the parents’ responsibility to judge and read the appraisal of those emotions. See, human beings develop themselves in a processive manner.

First, the habit loops begin to form as we grow up, the development of languages, signatures, social manners, cognitive behaviors, etc. Similarly, how to deal with an emotion or appraisal is also taught to us by elders or the people around us. And our response to emotions is called ‘Regulation’.

Certain phases of life shall be covered to build an appropriate behavioral responsive feature, and appropriacy only comes with what the child has been taught by guardians/elders.

When a child cries, and parents hand over the phone, their brain learns the loop, and the next time they need to watch cartoons, they will cry out loud instead of asking politely. Who to blame now? That is known as the habit loop, and it implies every single thing a person does.

They observe parents’ responses to their own emotions and appraisals, and what they observe is instilled by their brain as a reasonable response. But you might be wrong, maybe you were playing with a knife while going through an emotional episode. Let’s say for Anger you smashed plates on the floor, which would create a problem for your child, not by physical damage, but progressive damage. He/she just learned to respond to an anger episode he/she was going through.

That is why responding to your children’s emotions and the appraisal (most important) and teaching them decent regulation strategies for their emotional episodes is crucial because otherwise, they would use their wisdom which is not enough.

Studies have found, that regulation (response) to the emotion of fear shall be ‘distraction’, and not rumination. But you wouldn’t know what to do with them if you don’t know if they are experiencing ‘Injustice’, your dry call could be that they are being stubborn, but carefully examining their behavior and communicating with them would reveal their true appraisal of the emotion, which could be as mentioned earlier ‘Injustice’, and now you understand the accurate response to treat them with, or to act with.

And by any chance you know a family in such conditions, share this blog’s link to them, do it, ‘because I said so’. PEACE!!



Mohammad Abdullah Janjua

I seek knowledge and wisdom in Books, Researches and the most valuable channel, Human Beings. Welcome to my bubble!